The Traitors Season-Premiere Recap: Bravo Babes

While this reality format is different, the game in The Traitors has been a popular parlor (or should I say “parlour”) game in the United Kingdom for a long time. That might explain why the BBC version was a monster hit this Christmas when it’s hard to get British people to do anything other than drink mulled wine and eat Tesco’s mince pies. (It’s also the game in Bodies, Bodies, Bodies, for what it’s worth.) Since you’re reading this, I know you already watched the first two episodes, but it’s basically 20 people — ten former reality stars and ten muggles — and they have to root out the traitors. In each episode, the whole crew gets together and banishes one person they think is a traitor; that person then has to say if they’re a traitor or a faithful. From watching the U.K. version, they are almost always wrong.

Then, that night, the traitors get together wearing community-college graduation robes in the turret of Alan Cumming’s castle. (“The turret of Alan Cumming’s castle” sounds like it could be a sex position.) They decide whom of the faithful they want to kill. The cycle then goes on and on until there are no traitors left or we reach the end of Peacock’s ten-episode order, whichever happens first. I have a feeling it’s getting to episode ten.

The hardest part in the game’s early stages is getting to know all the players. You need a large pool of people if there will be two eliminations every day. We’ve hardly even met everyone by the time Cumming is standing in front of his castle in his very own tartan, introducing everyone to his bearded Scottish groundskeeper named Fergus. I mean, couldn’t we at least complete the whole joke and name him Willy as if he just stepped off The Simpsons?

What makes it even harder is that almost all of the screen time is given to the recognizable reality-TV stars, mostly taken from the world of Bravo, CBS competition shows such as Survivor and Big Brother, and, strangely, E!’s 2013 dud What Would Ryan Lochte Do? There’s one blonde lady I kept seeing, and I have no idea what her name is, where she’s from, what she does, and whether she has searched the internet for Ryan Lochte deep-fake porn. (Spoiler alert: It’s not out there and is also very unethical.)

The first order of business is selecting from the 20 players who the three traitors will be. In the U.K. version (I promise I won’t be comparing them the whole time), each of the contestants did an interview with the host, so we knew why they did or did not want to be traitors and got to at least see every face once before the game continued. Here, Cumming just walks around the circle and taps three people.

The first traitor is Cirie Fields, the greatest Survivor player never to win the game and the only person eliminated from the show without being voted out or quitting. (Dear Jeff Probst, get rid of some of the idols.) The second is Cody Calafiore, a former underwear model who was a runner-up on Big Brother 16 before winning the all-star season Big Brother 22. And finally there is Christian, some veteran no one has ever heard of, who is getting on everyone’s nerves the minute he steps out of the Land Rover in the Scottish Highlands. Even Cody and Cirie hate this guy. “I am going to stab and murder and destroy people,” Christian says. Has anyone told him the murder on this show does not include literal murder?

With the traitors selected, everyone has to go to their first challenge to add money to the prize pot. The ceiling is $250,000, but they have to earn all of that. At the end of the game, if all the traitors are gone, the remaining faithful split the pot. But if there is even one traitor left in the game, the traitors win it. That means the traitors have no incentive to throw the challenges. That’s why I like to call this show Idiot Mole. It’s just like The Mole except, well, there is nothing to base your idea of who is a traitor other than, “IDK. Vibez? Shrug emoji.”

At this stage of the game, my favorite player is Ryan Lochte. Everyone has agreed that he is too dumb to be a traitor. He’s walking around the house looking for a secret room and can’t find one. Reza Farahan, from Shahs of Sunset, says he hears “Boop a doop, boop a doop,” playing when Ryan walks around.

The confessional MVP, however, is Below Deck’s Kate Chastain, who says, “I think I am going to be very good at this game because I love to judge people. There isn’t much here to do but judge people.” That’s my girl. But I think the biggest mistake this show makes is having people who already know one another compete. Almost immediately, Reza, Kate, and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ejectee Brandi Glanville (someone must have said her name three times because she has appeared) form a sort of Bravo-babes alliance. I am so incredibly here for this, and Bravo should put these three in an RV and have them go around the country terrorizing people like the Fab Five, but instead of makeovers they just arrive at your house, drink all your wine, trash-talk your friends, and order dinner on your Postmates, then stick you with the bill.

Even worse is the fact that Rachel Reilly, another BB double alum and winner, immediately intuits that Cody is a traitor because she knows him so well. I don’t think this is the worst for the game, per se, but it doesn’t put everyone on equal footing, especially the muggles, so it seems unfair.

With seconds to spare, both teams complete the challenge and add $30,000 to the prize pot. There were a few problems at the challenge, though. Reza freaks out on everyone, making himself a huge target. Christian, one of the traitors, is also really bossy and vocal, leading everyone to think he might be a traitor. I love how both Cirie and Cody, reality-TV vets, think Christian is playing this whole thing wrong. When they finally meet for the first time and reveal their identities, I wish that these two were like, “Sis, you need to chill, or you are going to ruin all of our games.” Meanwhile, when Christian sees the other two traitors, he says, “I didn’t even suspect them.” Yeah, because they are, you know, good at this.

The traitors have to eliminate one of the contestants, and they think it should be someone who can’t be easily manipulated and is very outspoken. Naturally, they land on the Bravo babes, and Kate, Brandi, and Reza are all on the chopping block. When everyone gathers for breakfast the next morning, we find that Reza was sent back to the Glasgow Hilton and Convention Center to wait a week before his flight back to Los Angeles.

Cumming comes to breakfast, and he is having the most fun of his entire career. Not only is he dressed in a giant broach with a tartan-cape-like swath of fabric down the back, he is also leaning into the insane campiness of the show. He plucks Reza’s picture off the wall and throws it on the floor. Yes, in the breakfast room, there is a wall with photos of all the contestants, but they all look like the picture that is taken automatically at the Global Entry gates. Why did they make these people so ugly? Is it so they want to be murdered?

At breakfast, my imaginary husband, Kyle Cooke from Summer House, says it sends a strange message to the group that if you are a team player, you will be eliminated by the traitors. It then tells us that Kyle is from Baltimore, even though he is from New Hampshire and lives in Manhattan. Did Kyle move without telling me? Have I been stalking the wrong apartment?

For the second challenge, six of the contestants, muggles Bam, Shelbe, and Amanda, former Bachelor contestant Arie Luyendyk, Survivor vet Stephenie LaGrossa, and certified dreamboat Kyle McGill Cooke are buried alive. The rest of the contestants are split into three teams and have to find them after going on a little scavenger hunt. The trick is that the clues to finding them are in the caskets, and the buried have to use the flashlight and radio they were given to communicate the clues their teams. The blue and yellow teams get their targets, scoring $20,000 for the prize pot. Where I’m from, there’s an expression: “They couldn’t find their asshole with two hands and a flashlight,” which pretty much explains the blue team, which couldn’t find their asshole (Arie) with four people and his flashlight. JK. Arie is not an asshole.

There is definitely some traitorlike behavior during the challenge. DMV worker Michael, whose accent is thicker than the walls at a sex motel, thinks it is Geraldine. Why? Because after the traitors were revealed, she was fidgety. Then she told people that he and Reza had an altercation at the trial, so he might be a traitor because Reza ended up murdered. Honestly, Geraldine is the only one using logic here. Both Kate and Kyle are convinced he’s a traitor because, while they were trying to score money, he was trying to convince them to vote out Geraldine.

I have called Brandi every name under the sun since she started on RHOBH, but I can say one thing for sure: She is not a liar. I am also impressed with how good she is at this game. She says she knows Christian is a traitor (and even flipped him the bird behind his back) and suspects Cirie as well. She’s two out of three. However, she’s going along with the group and voting for Michael. This is a bad strategy. Of course, a traitor would go along with the group. It’s a way to get a faithful out without drawing attention to yourself. If you vote your conscience, then at least you’re not going with the herd mentality.

Although Michael gets nearly enough votes to send him home, he strong-arms enough people into voting for Geraldine. She reveals she’s a faithful, and everyone is crushed.

That night the traitors meet once again, and Cirie and Cody are looking back and forth at each other as if they’re trying to Vulcan Mind-Meld a way to figure out how to kick Christian out of the game. When they convene, Cody tells Christian and Cirie that Brandi has it in for both of them. Is she going to go home? Did someone say her name backward three times so she’ll disappear? Thank God they dropped all these episodes at once because I couldn’t hit “Next Episode” fast enough to find out what happens next.

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